The older I get the more I realize the battles that myself and most us fight are in the mind.
Life really doesn't get any easier, but, we are able to get better at dealing with what it hands us. I have gotten better about listening to my first instinct. We all second guess ourselves. I don't know about you but I get worn out from listening to the second guesses.
Remember the song, "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes"? It makes me think that we have to continue in a circle until we get what life is trying tell us everyday. We have the ability to flow with the everyday happenings that life has to offer, but we choose to go against them because we want only what we want.
Learning to go with the first instinct is the greatest lesson of all. To continue to fight the battle, means to continue traveling around the mountain.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Managing my own Business.
I am my own business. What other people think of me, how they feel about me, whatever, Is not my business.
My thoughts, feelings, actions and situations are my only concern. I have no reason to take on the responsibility of others. The only time I am responsible for someone else is if have affected them in a negative way. Then it is my duty to that person to make it right with them.
I have a long time habit of dwelling on the negative and not letting them go. I release them and then reclaim them. This is a habit I am determined to loose. The other discovery of myself is that I have an addiction to grief. Yes, I have been caused so much pain in my life by others, but this goes back to, It's none of my business and I have to learn to let it go.
What others do is a direct affect on themselves, not me, and I chose to learn to keep it there. I have to make this a general practice and lose the dwelling place.
Responsibilities that I owe to myself:
1. Thoughts
2. Feelings
3. Actions
4. Body
What I do on a daily basis to negatively affect any of these is my responsibility. I have to either change, accept or move forward.
People are important to me. I do genuinely care about their needs. I will listen to them but they are responsible for themselves. I cannot make them a project by taking on their responsibilities toward themselves. I write this continuously because repetition is a learning method. To read it and to hear it over and over is the way to ingrain it into my stubborn head.
My thoughts, feelings, actions and situations are my only concern. I have no reason to take on the responsibility of others. The only time I am responsible for someone else is if have affected them in a negative way. Then it is my duty to that person to make it right with them.
I have a long time habit of dwelling on the negative and not letting them go. I release them and then reclaim them. This is a habit I am determined to loose. The other discovery of myself is that I have an addiction to grief. Yes, I have been caused so much pain in my life by others, but this goes back to, It's none of my business and I have to learn to let it go.
What others do is a direct affect on themselves, not me, and I chose to learn to keep it there. I have to make this a general practice and lose the dwelling place.
Responsibilities that I owe to myself:
1. Thoughts
2. Feelings
3. Actions
4. Body
What I do on a daily basis to negatively affect any of these is my responsibility. I have to either change, accept or move forward.
People are important to me. I do genuinely care about their needs. I will listen to them but they are responsible for themselves. I cannot make them a project by taking on their responsibilities toward themselves. I write this continuously because repetition is a learning method. To read it and to hear it over and over is the way to ingrain it into my stubborn head.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Addiction
comes in all shapes and sizes. It's not just substance. It can be anything that is indulged upon excessively. I believe right now that mine is grief. I have gotten past the alcohol part even though I still like to have a few, but for the most part, I am into a new one. I am going to focus really hard and make my new addiction success. Not become obsessed to the point where I am hurting myself or anyone else for that matter, but I am tired of the old me and want to refocus my attentions on success before I retire.
Now that I am aware of the circumstance, I can move forward.My whole new lease on life without certain individuals bringing me down. Yes I can and should love them. But I am my own business and I need to take charge of that business. No one else is any of my business and neither are their circumstances. I will attend to my own and keep my focus on me. If I am going to have an addiction, it might as well be constructive.
Now that I am aware of the circumstance, I can move forward.My whole new lease on life without certain individuals bringing me down. Yes I can and should love them. But I am my own business and I need to take charge of that business. No one else is any of my business and neither are their circumstances. I will attend to my own and keep my focus on me. If I am going to have an addiction, it might as well be constructive.
Friday, November 19, 2010
a scream so loud
no one hears. Like the woods in the dark. No one hears. The pain. I only want to say what is on my heart and no one hears. I scream. and I scream. No one hears.
It's about my life now, they chose death and they died, I am still here, but I will not run, I know that I alone will survive. People always say that they love me but they only mean one thing, I did what they cannot do. SURVIVE!
AND YET I SCREAM AND NO ONE LISTENS.
It's about my life now, they chose death and they died, I am still here, but I will not run, I know that I alone will survive. People always say that they love me but they only mean one thing, I did what they cannot do. SURVIVE!
AND YET I SCREAM AND NO ONE LISTENS.
unknown vessels
Parents. They are who they are. Who ever said they would do right. You, me, them? Parents. Now, you are a parent. What makes you think you are better than they. Do we not all make mistakes? Do we not wonder, "Why me?" "What did I do that was so wrong?" Now it's us, you and me. All of these years later. And we wonder, " How did they do it?" I know that I do and I have no children.
I know one thing, I lost both of mine. One is still alive and one has passed on. Blessed be to her. The other, I have no clue what to do with ever. He is not my problem. I am my own business now. He has been gone from my life because I want him to be gone, as his son. He has done nothing for me as a Father. So I have no desires from him as a my father. I love him. I don't know why, but I do. I never want to let him down, and most definitely, I never want to be him. I will, for respect, always be better than what he was given. He gave his best when he gave to me. He gave me life. For that, I love him.
It comes down to this, Love with all that you are, give greater than you can be, and forgive everything. Because, you may have another day to deal with you.
I know one thing, I lost both of mine. One is still alive and one has passed on. Blessed be to her. The other, I have no clue what to do with ever. He is not my problem. I am my own business now. He has been gone from my life because I want him to be gone, as his son. He has done nothing for me as a Father. So I have no desires from him as a my father. I love him. I don't know why, but I do. I never want to let him down, and most definitely, I never want to be him. I will, for respect, always be better than what he was given. He gave his best when he gave to me. He gave me life. For that, I love him.
It comes down to this, Love with all that you are, give greater than you can be, and forgive everything. Because, you may have another day to deal with you.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
There will always be lemons, so where is the fucking Vodka?
Isn't everyday life just the shit! So, how about today the wind is blowing up from the south and I have to peddle my bike southward to get to work for six miles. Don't get me wrong, I love a good work out, but please, at my age, I'd rather be ridden! I thought to myself, I will take the bus and put my bike on the bike carrier for the first time. The bus shows up. And what do you know, every slob on the bus also thought the same thing. What the fuck! I have to go to work and all you are doing is collecting garbage from the bin down the road. I have seen these people! Do you watch Hoarders! Right!
And after all that I am at home having a few. Nice!
There will be more lemons to squeeze. Just keep following.
And after all that I am at home having a few. Nice!
There will be more lemons to squeeze. Just keep following.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
To my Brother and Sister,
It no longer breaks my heart that I have to do what I am about to do. I love you both, but I can no longer allow you to hurt me. You have done and said things to me for the last time. I am none of your business and what you do or say to or about me is none of my business.
Ever since Mom died, you have left me out of family gatherings of sorts. Whether they be the two of you, including your wife and son, or just the family as a whole. Brother, family members had asked you several times to bring me along with you to their homes on several occasions and you chose not to involve me. You took that not only away from me but them as well. You had no right to make such a decision. But you did and I give that to you. You are responsible for your decisions and behaviors, not me. The horrible things that you had said to me through your wife's Facebook in an email, that is how you feel about yourself first. See the way you feel about yourself reflects on your opinion of others. If you think of yourself in a positive way, your thoughts of others will be positive also. Brother, you always were negative and so shall your whole life be too. But that is the way that you are and have always been. I chose no to be that way. Yes, things in life can be negative and exhausting at times. It's how we rise above them that counts.
And now, my little Sister. For some reason I have always allowed myself to be available to you when you were down and out. I am the only person that never put you down and turned my back on you when others were so willing to do so. You unfortunately did so to me. When others talked shit on you; you own family members and friends, I always stood up for you and our Brother as well. It is so ironic to me that same people that kept cutting the two of you down, even the two of you about each other, are the same people that put you down continuously you get together and have fun with all of the time.
Well, now I am proud to say that I have a new life and many people in my life that don't have the same negative intentions toward me that the two of you do.
I have said my peace and I am done with this and the both of you. Just remember, you chose to do this not me. So any feelings of animosity towards what I am saying, you are responsible for on your own behalf.
Goodbye to you both, I do wish all the best to you.
Marty.
Ever since Mom died, you have left me out of family gatherings of sorts. Whether they be the two of you, including your wife and son, or just the family as a whole. Brother, family members had asked you several times to bring me along with you to their homes on several occasions and you chose not to involve me. You took that not only away from me but them as well. You had no right to make such a decision. But you did and I give that to you. You are responsible for your decisions and behaviors, not me. The horrible things that you had said to me through your wife's Facebook in an email, that is how you feel about yourself first. See the way you feel about yourself reflects on your opinion of others. If you think of yourself in a positive way, your thoughts of others will be positive also. Brother, you always were negative and so shall your whole life be too. But that is the way that you are and have always been. I chose no to be that way. Yes, things in life can be negative and exhausting at times. It's how we rise above them that counts.
And now, my little Sister. For some reason I have always allowed myself to be available to you when you were down and out. I am the only person that never put you down and turned my back on you when others were so willing to do so. You unfortunately did so to me. When others talked shit on you; you own family members and friends, I always stood up for you and our Brother as well. It is so ironic to me that same people that kept cutting the two of you down, even the two of you about each other, are the same people that put you down continuously you get together and have fun with all of the time.
Well, now I am proud to say that I have a new life and many people in my life that don't have the same negative intentions toward me that the two of you do.
I have said my peace and I am done with this and the both of you. Just remember, you chose to do this not me. So any feelings of animosity towards what I am saying, you are responsible for on your own behalf.
Goodbye to you both, I do wish all the best to you.
Marty.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
As a child, the parents are responsible for your life, but as an adult, the individual becomes responsible. My parents were young and stupid, bless their hearts, and weren't prepared to take on the responsibility of children. Mom was only 15 and Dad was 22 when I was born,(this was the 1960's and statutory rape laws were not even thought of then), what responsibility were they prepared for at that age to raise children. But, God's grace allowed for this to happen and so it was.
I am not going to go on about how bad my childhood was because parents, even step parents were human and no one at any age is prepared to take on the responsibility of children. They made their mistakes as all humans do, they had to learn as well. What I chose to do was take the mistakes that were made and either not make them again or grow from them. But I was still a mess. I needed some sort of guidance to figure out the answers to so many questions that I had as an adult. And sure, as a young adult, I did blame a lot of things on my parents right down to why the hell did they bring me into this miserable world? I hated life.
For so many years I just trudged along doing what I wanted to do and I had many great adventures and I did discover so much about myself and how to live life. Even though I did all of these things there was still something missing. A void as it is referred. This emptiness. There were things missing from my soul that needed to be filled and made whole.
I tried counseling, I tried religion, nothing made that empty feeling go away. Self help books are a big joke to me. I even used to sex to fill that void. Remember, I was raped and as a victim of rape, one of the symptoms of a rape victim are sexual exploits.
In my search to find wholeness, I was discovering the truth about leaders of the community such as counselors and pastors and finding that many of them were suffering from the same quest that I was. They had no idea of how to help me when they had no idea of how to help them selves. They could even be cruel and had negative affects on what I was trying to accomplish for myself.
The void that I was trying to fill was the one of self LOVE. To love oneself is the greatest gift an individual can discover.
Eventually, believe it or not, I turned to the Bible. Coming from an atheist family, it was strange to me to do so. But I was determined to fill this pothole inside me. The Bible is not a book you sit down and try to read. There are so many things in it that don't make sense. It is a tool that has to be studied intensely to get the message that it has to offer. The Old Testament can be frightening and even turn a person against a "Loving God". I discovered what is called a concordance. It is a sort of dictionary to the Bible in which became a tool to help me study the Bible. I took phrases that I wanted to read about in the Bible such as acceptance, forgiveness, love and so on, found them in the concordance which told me where to find them in the Bible. I would write them down and make them mine. After a year or so, that void was replaced with the beginnings of self love and acceptance. It was revolutionary to my existence.
Some of the scripture that I had used and kept dear to my were these ones:
ACCEPTANCE:
II Samuel 24:23 ......" The Lord your God ACCEPTS you"
Romans 14:3..........." for God has accepted and welcomed him."
FORSAKE:
Deuteronomy 31:6..."for the Lord your God will not fail you nor forsake you."
Joshua 1:5..............."as I was with Moses, so I will not fail you nor forsake you."
Psalms 27:10..........."although my Mother and Father have forsaken me, yet the Lord will not, He we will take me up and adopt me as His own."
The Bible is worth spending time in and getting to know who you are in the eyes of the Beholder. These scriptures that I give here are so few to the many that are written and I leave it up to you to discover the relationship that exists between you and God.
FORGIVENESS is a big one. It is the hardest of human virtues. It's not that we are incapable, its that we do not start with ourselves first. The more that we understand and know deeply that we are forgiven in the eyes of God through the blood of Christ, the more that we begin to forgive ourselves and then the ability to forgive others is just given. Why? Because we now have forgiveness to give to others. We cannot give what we do not have.
If you want to know the reason that Jesus came, died and took away our sin and then was resurrected and ascended into the Heavens to sit at the right hand of God, read and STUDY ROMANS. After that read and study HEBREWS. It gives a detailed knowledge of what is to come now that Jesus had accomplished His mission here with us.
So, now you know what it was that gave me the spunk and vitality to keep going and be the individual that I am today. I know that God loves me, period!
I am not going to go on about how bad my childhood was because parents, even step parents were human and no one at any age is prepared to take on the responsibility of children. They made their mistakes as all humans do, they had to learn as well. What I chose to do was take the mistakes that were made and either not make them again or grow from them. But I was still a mess. I needed some sort of guidance to figure out the answers to so many questions that I had as an adult. And sure, as a young adult, I did blame a lot of things on my parents right down to why the hell did they bring me into this miserable world? I hated life.
For so many years I just trudged along doing what I wanted to do and I had many great adventures and I did discover so much about myself and how to live life. Even though I did all of these things there was still something missing. A void as it is referred. This emptiness. There were things missing from my soul that needed to be filled and made whole.
I tried counseling, I tried religion, nothing made that empty feeling go away. Self help books are a big joke to me. I even used to sex to fill that void. Remember, I was raped and as a victim of rape, one of the symptoms of a rape victim are sexual exploits.
In my search to find wholeness, I was discovering the truth about leaders of the community such as counselors and pastors and finding that many of them were suffering from the same quest that I was. They had no idea of how to help me when they had no idea of how to help them selves. They could even be cruel and had negative affects on what I was trying to accomplish for myself.
The void that I was trying to fill was the one of self LOVE. To love oneself is the greatest gift an individual can discover.
Eventually, believe it or not, I turned to the Bible. Coming from an atheist family, it was strange to me to do so. But I was determined to fill this pothole inside me. The Bible is not a book you sit down and try to read. There are so many things in it that don't make sense. It is a tool that has to be studied intensely to get the message that it has to offer. The Old Testament can be frightening and even turn a person against a "Loving God". I discovered what is called a concordance. It is a sort of dictionary to the Bible in which became a tool to help me study the Bible. I took phrases that I wanted to read about in the Bible such as acceptance, forgiveness, love and so on, found them in the concordance which told me where to find them in the Bible. I would write them down and make them mine. After a year or so, that void was replaced with the beginnings of self love and acceptance. It was revolutionary to my existence.
Some of the scripture that I had used and kept dear to my were these ones:
ACCEPTANCE:
II Samuel 24:23 ......" The Lord your God ACCEPTS you"
Romans 14:3..........." for God has accepted and welcomed him."
FORSAKE:
Deuteronomy 31:6..."for the Lord your God will not fail you nor forsake you."
Joshua 1:5..............."as I was with Moses, so I will not fail you nor forsake you."
Psalms 27:10..........."although my Mother and Father have forsaken me, yet the Lord will not, He we will take me up and adopt me as His own."
The Bible is worth spending time in and getting to know who you are in the eyes of the Beholder. These scriptures that I give here are so few to the many that are written and I leave it up to you to discover the relationship that exists between you and God.
FORGIVENESS is a big one. It is the hardest of human virtues. It's not that we are incapable, its that we do not start with ourselves first. The more that we understand and know deeply that we are forgiven in the eyes of God through the blood of Christ, the more that we begin to forgive ourselves and then the ability to forgive others is just given. Why? Because we now have forgiveness to give to others. We cannot give what we do not have.
If you want to know the reason that Jesus came, died and took away our sin and then was resurrected and ascended into the Heavens to sit at the right hand of God, read and STUDY ROMANS. After that read and study HEBREWS. It gives a detailed knowledge of what is to come now that Jesus had accomplished His mission here with us.
So, now you know what it was that gave me the spunk and vitality to keep going and be the individual that I am today. I know that God loves me, period!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A Fairy's Tale
Oh, yeah, I was packed and ready to go when graduation came along in what ever year it happened to be. And for God's sake and for the love of classmates, do not remind me of the year or drag out school photos! Jesus. I went back to Pittsburgh for a short time then I hauled my ass off to NYC for about three years. I had the time of my life.
Let me back up. I DO NOT want to offend any of my classmates, I love you all that have stuck by my side and are still here with me today, but I had to get the f--ck out of Jamestown High School District. I was a gay boy that entered that HELL in the fourth grade. And excuse me for saying this, but when you go from a graduating class that had as many kids as the whole town had people, I knew I was in for it! Gay Grey, come on! What the.......
anyway, I just wanted out of there. I eventually ended up in NYC. I loved it there. I was about 19. When I first got there, I had a Chevy Chevette. Haha, remember those, I lived out of it for two weeks until I found a job at Chevy's on 27th Avenue just below the Village. I found an apartment in the obituaries, yeah, the obits, in Jackson Heights. Two bedrooms and a really cool 1950s style commode. Ya know, it had the really high bowl with the long pull cord to flush! AWESOME! I loved it. It was pink and gray, the apartment, not the toilet. Perfect colors for a starving Queen.
Chevys was a restaurant that served food until 11pm and then served alcohol until ? I was a bartender until about 3pm and then took a two hour break, worked as a waiter until 11pm, took another break, then came on as a cocktail waiter until?. Made great money. About $700 a day just in tips. Remember that great apartment, it cost me $3000. a month. Utilities not included.
Who cares, I had fun.
I also had a gorgeous boyfriend. Puerto Rican. Antonio Martinez. WOW! I will never forget him. I remember for my 21st birthday, he called me at work....."Marco".....that's what he called me. Marty means dead in latin. Go figure! " I take you out for you birthday". He took me to the top of the Mellon Bank building in downtown NYC and romanced me under the moonlight. What a hunk! Then he took me home, and, well you know, got me prego! You know the spaghetti sauce. Haha!
Mellon bank was in Spider Man, the first one. Where Spidey saved MJ after Green Gobby threw that bomb at the balcony and she fell and he swept her up and they went passed St Pauls Cathedral on 5th Ave and ended up on the top of that building with the black marble roof and the park like atmosphere. That's where Antonio took me for my birthday!!
To go on, Antonio was a student at F.I.T in NYC and he graduated. He was a Mommy's boy too and went back to Puerto Rico. I studied cosmetology at a Paul Mitchel salon under an apprenticeship. We were both done with our training and moved on.
How I got to Colorado. I went to Jersey and bought a Ford Mercury Marquis. Hell yeah. A four hundred four barrel carb. I was in Colorado in about five minutes. Anyway, it was cheap and ugly. I loaded it with as much clothes and shoes as any Queen could and headed west. The car through the fan into the radiator on Centro Way in Ft. Collins, Colorado. Right across from where my car broke was a junk yard. I sold the car for $100 and lived in Ft. Collins for 11 years.I had my own salon for most of those years and I taught color corrections for Matrix. I was just about 22 to 24 years old when I got to Colorado.
Then I moved to Pennsyltucky!
Let me back up. I DO NOT want to offend any of my classmates, I love you all that have stuck by my side and are still here with me today, but I had to get the f--ck out of Jamestown High School District. I was a gay boy that entered that HELL in the fourth grade. And excuse me for saying this, but when you go from a graduating class that had as many kids as the whole town had people, I knew I was in for it! Gay Grey, come on! What the.......
anyway, I just wanted out of there. I eventually ended up in NYC. I loved it there. I was about 19. When I first got there, I had a Chevy Chevette. Haha, remember those, I lived out of it for two weeks until I found a job at Chevy's on 27th Avenue just below the Village. I found an apartment in the obituaries, yeah, the obits, in Jackson Heights. Two bedrooms and a really cool 1950s style commode. Ya know, it had the really high bowl with the long pull cord to flush! AWESOME! I loved it. It was pink and gray, the apartment, not the toilet. Perfect colors for a starving Queen.
Chevys was a restaurant that served food until 11pm and then served alcohol until ? I was a bartender until about 3pm and then took a two hour break, worked as a waiter until 11pm, took another break, then came on as a cocktail waiter until?. Made great money. About $700 a day just in tips. Remember that great apartment, it cost me $3000. a month. Utilities not included.
Who cares, I had fun.
I also had a gorgeous boyfriend. Puerto Rican. Antonio Martinez. WOW! I will never forget him. I remember for my 21st birthday, he called me at work....."Marco".....that's what he called me. Marty means dead in latin. Go figure! " I take you out for you birthday". He took me to the top of the Mellon Bank building in downtown NYC and romanced me under the moonlight. What a hunk! Then he took me home, and, well you know, got me prego! You know the spaghetti sauce. Haha!
Mellon bank was in Spider Man, the first one. Where Spidey saved MJ after Green Gobby threw that bomb at the balcony and she fell and he swept her up and they went passed St Pauls Cathedral on 5th Ave and ended up on the top of that building with the black marble roof and the park like atmosphere. That's where Antonio took me for my birthday!!
To go on, Antonio was a student at F.I.T in NYC and he graduated. He was a Mommy's boy too and went back to Puerto Rico. I studied cosmetology at a Paul Mitchel salon under an apprenticeship. We were both done with our training and moved on.
How I got to Colorado. I went to Jersey and bought a Ford Mercury Marquis. Hell yeah. A four hundred four barrel carb. I was in Colorado in about five minutes. Anyway, it was cheap and ugly. I loaded it with as much clothes and shoes as any Queen could and headed west. The car through the fan into the radiator on Centro Way in Ft. Collins, Colorado. Right across from where my car broke was a junk yard. I sold the car for $100 and lived in Ft. Collins for 11 years.I had my own salon for most of those years and I taught color corrections for Matrix. I was just about 22 to 24 years old when I got to Colorado.
Then I moved to Pennsyltucky!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Just the other night, I was at the ocean shore, thinking to myself, I don't want to be here any more.
I have had many times, many moments, when I have thought this, but truly, I will remain.
The world is a cruel and cold place to live and survive. That is just it!, to live and survive. To live this life and survive. To get through it is knowing that all was accomplished with the satisfaction that it was done without inflicting upon another!
To be inflicted upon is life, to inflict upon another is selfish and hateful. To give when there nothing left to give, is LOVE. I chose LOVE!
I have had many times, many moments, when I have thought this, but truly, I will remain.
The world is a cruel and cold place to live and survive. That is just it!, to live and survive. To live this life and survive. To get through it is knowing that all was accomplished with the satisfaction that it was done without inflicting upon another!
To be inflicted upon is life, to inflict upon another is selfish and hateful. To give when there nothing left to give, is LOVE. I chose LOVE!
The Perpetrater is the true victim
This post is for anyone that has experienced abandonment,abuse, molestation, rape, stalkers, stabbings,stigmatized and the like. Been mugged? I have. And all of the above,(except for molestation). But do you understand that you are not the victim of these crimes?
People that inflict pain on another are are their own victim.
Having been raped, stalked, stabbed and beaten so bad that I had to loose everything do to this person or persons doing, is not my fault! I do not blame myself for these things. Even the court system chose to try and make it my fault because it did not want to deal with same sex issues.
CHOICE!
I did not chose this, it was given to me. My choice was to be the best. To be better than the circumstance that was handed to me.
KEY POINT: BE BETTER THAN THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. BE BETTER THAN THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT ARE GIVEN TO YOU!
People that inflict pain on another are are their own victim.
Having been raped, stalked, stabbed and beaten so bad that I had to loose everything do to this person or persons doing, is not my fault! I do not blame myself for these things. Even the court system chose to try and make it my fault because it did not want to deal with same sex issues.
CHOICE!
I did not chose this, it was given to me. My choice was to be the best. To be better than the circumstance that was handed to me.
KEY POINT: BE BETTER THAN THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. BE BETTER THAN THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT ARE GIVEN TO YOU!
" I cry for the Love of Marshall"
I have so much that I want to say and yet when I sit down to put it into words, I am not able. So, I am going to attempt to do so in this blog.
Hi, my name is Marshall Lee Grey, better known to friends and family as Marty. I have a story to tell and I am going to do so right here.
I was born at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington D.C although I am originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The reason why is that Mom was on her way to Maryland to visit her Mother and went into labor on the flight down. My Father was in the Army at the time. Leave it to me to do the unexpected, right! Like I always say, " I came into this world kicking and screaming and I will go out kicking and screaming!"
Just so that you know, I will refer to my "Father", the sperm donor as "Frog".
I could chose to say that my life was horrible, but I don't want to just for the fact that I have learned that all things have to have a balance. There cannot be good without bad or light without dark. It is way to easy to feel sorry for myself when things are bad and do not go the way that I have planned. And to sit around pondering "why", is human, but a waist of valuable time. Rather I chose to find something constructive to do. Many times it is just complimenting someone on something. Many times the compliment is toward someone that I don't know.
It took me a long time to learn how to do this. As with all things in life, I had to learn how. It takes practice and the willingness to sacrifice things about ones self. Such as, life isn't always about me. Having the strength to put another human's needs before my own at any given time is having a deep knowing one self.
It is the negative things in life that create character in a person. If life were chocolates and roses everyday, I would be a lost soul that has no appreciation. Let alone a fatty with all the chocolate.
Am I perfect, definitely NOT! Am I better than anyone else, CERTAINLY NOT!. I just wanted to be someone different in a world that just doesn't seem to want to grasp the meaning behind real living.
Everybody has a history with evil, negativity, bad places, and so on. But it is what we chose to do with all of that yuk that can make us unique in the heavens and in the world alike. As I said earlier, I chose to let those the hateful actions of others make me stronger. I chose to rise above and make a difference in a positive manner. I chose to be constructive rather than destructive.
Religion is a BIG no no in my perspectives of positive and constructive endeavors. I have found that religion is a human way of oppressing its followers. It keeps the congregation feeling guilty about themselves for the purpose of collections. I think the greatest sin of all is to use God's word for the sole purpose of money. If money is the church's first obligation to God above saving a life, then shame on them! That's why there are so many churches and not one of them have any foundation of truth.
Studying the Bible and developing a relationship with God, is where I have discovered the truth behind why I am here and what my purpose is in this lifetime.
I have come a long way from self destruction and have moved forward into self love. But life is a journey worth taking and learning to be thankful for every moment that I am given to breath. I have a long way to go yet. I have yet a lot to learn. I chose to do so.
I have come to understand that the things in life that have hurt us individually are not the responsibility of others to carry. I can empathize with another person and listen to them but I am not responsible for fixing the problem. The other thing that I have learned is to change my wording and view, "problems", as merely circumstances. And many things in life are just that, circumstances. Never forget however, I too am a long term student in the teachings of life. I forget my own practices and tend to get caught up in the negatives and get an attitude toward them as well. I do get mad. But it's a constant reminder that I am human and I still need practice and knowledge.
Mom, bless her heart, passed away from a long struggle with cancer. It was in her dying that showed me that we as individuals and humans take to much for granted everyday. It was also in her death that helped me to understand that people can be very selfish and petty. Myself included. No pointing fingers. To this day I still find myself getting angry, feeling alone, not wanting to be here anymore, and so on. Life can really suck at times, we can loose everything before the heart beats on more time, but the one thing that will always remain is the choice in what to do with what just happened and the motivation to carry on.
Hi, my name is Marshall Lee Grey, better known to friends and family as Marty. I have a story to tell and I am going to do so right here.
I was born at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington D.C although I am originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The reason why is that Mom was on her way to Maryland to visit her Mother and went into labor on the flight down. My Father was in the Army at the time. Leave it to me to do the unexpected, right! Like I always say, " I came into this world kicking and screaming and I will go out kicking and screaming!"
Just so that you know, I will refer to my "Father", the sperm donor as "Frog".
I could chose to say that my life was horrible, but I don't want to just for the fact that I have learned that all things have to have a balance. There cannot be good without bad or light without dark. It is way to easy to feel sorry for myself when things are bad and do not go the way that I have planned. And to sit around pondering "why", is human, but a waist of valuable time. Rather I chose to find something constructive to do. Many times it is just complimenting someone on something. Many times the compliment is toward someone that I don't know.
It took me a long time to learn how to do this. As with all things in life, I had to learn how. It takes practice and the willingness to sacrifice things about ones self. Such as, life isn't always about me. Having the strength to put another human's needs before my own at any given time is having a deep knowing one self.
It is the negative things in life that create character in a person. If life were chocolates and roses everyday, I would be a lost soul that has no appreciation. Let alone a fatty with all the chocolate.
Am I perfect, definitely NOT! Am I better than anyone else, CERTAINLY NOT!. I just wanted to be someone different in a world that just doesn't seem to want to grasp the meaning behind real living.
Everybody has a history with evil, negativity, bad places, and so on. But it is what we chose to do with all of that yuk that can make us unique in the heavens and in the world alike. As I said earlier, I chose to let those the hateful actions of others make me stronger. I chose to rise above and make a difference in a positive manner. I chose to be constructive rather than destructive.
Religion is a BIG no no in my perspectives of positive and constructive endeavors. I have found that religion is a human way of oppressing its followers. It keeps the congregation feeling guilty about themselves for the purpose of collections. I think the greatest sin of all is to use God's word for the sole purpose of money. If money is the church's first obligation to God above saving a life, then shame on them! That's why there are so many churches and not one of them have any foundation of truth.
Studying the Bible and developing a relationship with God, is where I have discovered the truth behind why I am here and what my purpose is in this lifetime.
I have come a long way from self destruction and have moved forward into self love. But life is a journey worth taking and learning to be thankful for every moment that I am given to breath. I have a long way to go yet. I have yet a lot to learn. I chose to do so.
I have come to understand that the things in life that have hurt us individually are not the responsibility of others to carry. I can empathize with another person and listen to them but I am not responsible for fixing the problem. The other thing that I have learned is to change my wording and view, "problems", as merely circumstances. And many things in life are just that, circumstances. Never forget however, I too am a long term student in the teachings of life. I forget my own practices and tend to get caught up in the negatives and get an attitude toward them as well. I do get mad. But it's a constant reminder that I am human and I still need practice and knowledge.
Mom, bless her heart, passed away from a long struggle with cancer. It was in her dying that showed me that we as individuals and humans take to much for granted everyday. It was also in her death that helped me to understand that people can be very selfish and petty. Myself included. No pointing fingers. To this day I still find myself getting angry, feeling alone, not wanting to be here anymore, and so on. Life can really suck at times, we can loose everything before the heart beats on more time, but the one thing that will always remain is the choice in what to do with what just happened and the motivation to carry on.
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