Managing my own Business.

I am my own business. What other people think of me, how they feel about me, whatever, Is not my business.
My thoughts, feelings, actions and situations are my only concern. I have no reason to take on the responsibility of others.  The only time I am responsible for someone else is if have affected them in a negative way. Then it is my duty to that person to make it right with them.
I have a long time habit of dwelling on the negative and not letting them go. I release them and then reclaim them. This is a habit I am determined to loose. The other discovery of myself is that I have an addiction to grief. Yes, I have been caused so much pain in my life by others, but this goes back to, It's none of my business and I have to learn to let it go.
What others do is a direct affect on themselves, not me, and I chose to learn to keep it there. I have to make this a general practice and lose the dwelling place.
Responsibilities that I owe to myself:
1. Thoughts
2. Feelings
3. Actions
4. Body
What I do on a daily basis to negatively affect any of these is my responsibility. I have to either change, accept or move forward.
People are important to me. I do genuinely care about their needs. I will listen to them but they are responsible for themselves. I cannot make them a project by taking on their responsibilities toward themselves. I write this continuously because repetition is a learning method. To read it and to hear it over and over is the way to ingrain it into my stubborn head.

Addiction

comes in all shapes and sizes. It's not just substance. It can be anything that is indulged upon excessively. I believe right now that mine is grief. I have gotten past the alcohol part even though I still like to have a few, but for the most part, I am into a new one. I am going to focus really hard and make my new addiction success. Not become obsessed to the point where I am hurting myself or anyone else for that matter, but I am tired of the old me and want to refocus my attentions on success before I retire.
Now that I am aware of the circumstance, I can move forward.My whole new lease on life without certain individuals bringing me down. Yes I can and should love them. But I am my own business and I need to take charge of that business.  No one else is any of my business and neither are their circumstances. I will attend to my own and keep my focus on me. If I am going to have an addiction, it might as well be constructive.

a scream so loud

no one hears. Like the woods in the dark. No one hears. The pain. I only want to say what is on my heart and no one hears. I scream. and I scream. No one hears.
It's about my life now, they chose death and they died, I am still here, but I will not run, I know  that I alone will survive. People always say that they love me but they only mean one thing, I did what they cannot do. SURVIVE!
AND YET I SCREAM  AND NO ONE LISTENS.

unknown vessels

Parents. They are who they are. Who ever said they would do right. You, me, them?  Parents. Now, you are a parent. What makes you think you are better than they. Do we not all make mistakes? Do we not wonder, "Why me?" "What did I do that was so wrong?" Now it's us, you and me. All of these years later. And we wonder, " How did they do it?" I know that I do and I have no children.
I know one thing, I lost both of mine. One is still alive and one has passed on. Blessed be to her. The other, I have no clue what to do with ever. He is not my problem. I am my own business now. He has been gone from my life because I want him to be gone, as his son.   He has done nothing for me as a Father. So I have no desires from him as a  my father. I love him. I don't know why, but I do. I never want to let him down, and most definitely, I never want to be him. I will, for respect, always be better than what he was given. He gave his best when he gave to me. He gave me life. For that, I love him.
It comes down to this, Love with all that you are, give greater than you can be, and forgive everything. Because, you may have another day to deal with you.

There will always be lemons, so where is the fucking Vodka?

Isn't everyday life just the shit! So, how about today the wind is blowing up from the south and I have to peddle my bike southward to get to work for six miles. Don't get me wrong, I love a good work out, but please, at my age, I'd rather be ridden!  I thought to myself, I will take the bus and put my bike on the bike carrier for the first time. The bus shows up. And what do you know, every slob on the bus also thought the same thing. What the fuck! I have to go to work and all you are doing is collecting garbage from the bin down the road. I have seen these people! Do you watch Hoarders! Right!
And after all that I am at home having a few. Nice!
There will be more lemons to squeeze. Just keep following.

To my Brother and Sister,

It no longer breaks my heart that I have to do what I am about to do. I love you both, but I can no longer allow you to hurt me. You have done and said things to me for the last time. I am none of your business and what you do or say to or about me is none of my business.
Ever since Mom died, you have left me out of family gatherings of sorts.  Whether they be the two of you, including your wife and son, or just the family as a whole. Brother, family members had asked you several times to bring me along with you to their homes on several occasions and you chose not to involve me. You took that not only away from me but them as well. You had no right to make such a decision. But you did and I give that to you. You are responsible for your decisions and behaviors, not me. The horrible things that you had said to me through your wife's Facebook in an email, that is how  you feel about yourself first. See the way you feel about yourself reflects on your opinion of others. If you think of yourself in a positive way, your thoughts of others will be positive also. Brother, you always were negative and so shall your whole life be too. But that is the way that you are and have always been. I chose no to be that way. Yes, things in life can be negative and exhausting at times. It's how we rise above them that counts.
And now, my little Sister. For some reason I have always allowed myself to be available to you when you were down and out. I am the only person that never put you down and turned my back on you when others were so willing to do so. You unfortunately did so to me. When others talked shit on you; you own family members and friends, I always stood up for you and our Brother as well. It is so ironic to me that same people that kept cutting the two of you down, even the two of you about each other, are the same people that put you down continuously you  get together and have fun with all of the time.
Well, now I am proud to say that I have a new life and many people in my life that don't have the same negative intentions toward me that the two of you do.
I have said my peace and I am done with this and the both of you. Just remember, you chose to do this not me. So any feelings of animosity towards what I am saying, you are responsible for on your own behalf.
Goodbye to you both, I do wish all the best to you.

Marty.