"Identity Theft"

I am not talking about credit. I am talking about the actual individual. I have to ask myself every night, at the end of my day, "Who Am I?"   The reason?   Because I want to know if I was more than just here, occupying space.
We grow up with the concept that family is who we are as an individual. Then we are brainwashed further into believing that what we do is who we are also. Once out of high and into our adult lives we maintain the impression by thinking that what we have is of value to the question, " Who am I?".
I have learned from experience that all that is without can be stripped away and I was left there standing alone with nothing or no one. Naked, alone and in the dark. Where is the 80 plus grand a year that I made not just so long ago? Where are family? Mom, frog, siblings? Where is everything that I purchased in the years that I was able to acquire any of it when I was able to do so? Not one of them are here with me now. What is here with me right at this very moment? Myself.   This is the only thing that I have to really deal with every day of my breathing life.  "Who am I?"
When the education, occupation, possession, tradition, family identification, is all gone, I am still here.
Family has given me blood and molded me into the person I either chose to be or chose not to be. Education has given me tools to survive, Possessions have in their own way possessed me.  And money, is it's own evil that has corrupted humans from the beginning.
Another contemplation I have is the difference between "achieving" and "believing".   I know also from experience that I always have what I need.    But I also want what I want and I will do just about anything to get what I want.   But I know the results are never good.   But, when I wait for what I have coming to me in faith, the road has already been paved and the journey is very smooth.
Even religion requires me to identify with an entity that exists outside of myself.  I have a relationship with the heavens, but what I want is a relationship with the person that the heavens also created, who is myself.   Yes, God is in me, He created me, and does exist within me.   This is not religion, it is Parental. Mom and the sperm donor are also a part of me and exist within me.  Again, parental.    It is not who I am. I am not my feelings or my thoughts.   I am not what I  do or what I have.   I am Marshall Lee Grey. 

There is a battlefield in the mind.

The older I get the more I realize the battles that myself and most us fight are in the mind.
Life really doesn't get any easier, but, we are able to get better at dealing with what it hands us.  I have gotten better about listening to my first instinct. We all second guess ourselves. I don't know about you but I get worn out from listening to the second guesses.
Remember the song, "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes"? It makes me think that we have to continue in a circle until we get what life is trying tell us everyday.  We have the ability to flow with the everyday happenings that life has to offer, but we choose to go against them because we want only what we want.
Learning to go with the first instinct is the greatest lesson of all. To continue to fight the battle, means to continue traveling around the mountain.

Managing my own Business.

I am my own business. What other people think of me, how they feel about me, whatever, Is not my business.
My thoughts, feelings, actions and situations are my only concern. I have no reason to take on the responsibility of others.  The only time I am responsible for someone else is if have affected them in a negative way. Then it is my duty to that person to make it right with them.
I have a long time habit of dwelling on the negative and not letting them go. I release them and then reclaim them. This is a habit I am determined to loose. The other discovery of myself is that I have an addiction to grief. Yes, I have been caused so much pain in my life by others, but this goes back to, It's none of my business and I have to learn to let it go.
What others do is a direct affect on themselves, not me, and I chose to learn to keep it there. I have to make this a general practice and lose the dwelling place.
Responsibilities that I owe to myself:
1. Thoughts
2. Feelings
3. Actions
4. Body
What I do on a daily basis to negatively affect any of these is my responsibility. I have to either change, accept or move forward.
People are important to me. I do genuinely care about their needs. I will listen to them but they are responsible for themselves. I cannot make them a project by taking on their responsibilities toward themselves. I write this continuously because repetition is a learning method. To read it and to hear it over and over is the way to ingrain it into my stubborn head.

Addiction

comes in all shapes and sizes. It's not just substance. It can be anything that is indulged upon excessively. I believe right now that mine is grief. I have gotten past the alcohol part even though I still like to have a few, but for the most part, I am into a new one. I am going to focus really hard and make my new addiction success. Not become obsessed to the point where I am hurting myself or anyone else for that matter, but I am tired of the old me and want to refocus my attentions on success before I retire.
Now that I am aware of the circumstance, I can move forward.My whole new lease on life without certain individuals bringing me down. Yes I can and should love them. But I am my own business and I need to take charge of that business.  No one else is any of my business and neither are their circumstances. I will attend to my own and keep my focus on me. If I am going to have an addiction, it might as well be constructive.

a scream so loud

no one hears. Like the woods in the dark. No one hears. The pain. I only want to say what is on my heart and no one hears. I scream. and I scream. No one hears.
It's about my life now, they chose death and they died, I am still here, but I will not run, I know  that I alone will survive. People always say that they love me but they only mean one thing, I did what they cannot do. SURVIVE!
AND YET I SCREAM  AND NO ONE LISTENS.

unknown vessels

Parents. They are who they are. Who ever said they would do right. You, me, them?  Parents. Now, you are a parent. What makes you think you are better than they. Do we not all make mistakes? Do we not wonder, "Why me?" "What did I do that was so wrong?" Now it's us, you and me. All of these years later. And we wonder, " How did they do it?" I know that I do and I have no children.
I know one thing, I lost both of mine. One is still alive and one has passed on. Blessed be to her. The other, I have no clue what to do with ever. He is not my problem. I am my own business now. He has been gone from my life because I want him to be gone, as his son.   He has done nothing for me as a Father. So I have no desires from him as a  my father. I love him. I don't know why, but I do. I never want to let him down, and most definitely, I never want to be him. I will, for respect, always be better than what he was given. He gave his best when he gave to me. He gave me life. For that, I love him.
It comes down to this, Love with all that you are, give greater than you can be, and forgive everything. Because, you may have another day to deal with you.

There will always be lemons, so where is the fucking Vodka?

Isn't everyday life just the shit! So, how about today the wind is blowing up from the south and I have to peddle my bike southward to get to work for six miles. Don't get me wrong, I love a good work out, but please, at my age, I'd rather be ridden!  I thought to myself, I will take the bus and put my bike on the bike carrier for the first time. The bus shows up. And what do you know, every slob on the bus also thought the same thing. What the fuck! I have to go to work and all you are doing is collecting garbage from the bin down the road. I have seen these people! Do you watch Hoarders! Right!
And after all that I am at home having a few. Nice!
There will be more lemons to squeeze. Just keep following.